"I am deeply in love with a man who is content with no sex. Well, not really NO sex, just way less than I want. Help! How can this be? How can I feel red hot chemistry toward him and he not feel it?
I love the Law of Attraction and have been using common techniques like affirmations and visualizations but nothing is working. I get plenty aroused in the visualizations so there is no shortage of feeling there, but nothing changes. To say I am frustrated is the understatement of the century."
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This email got my attention today. Being in my fabulous fifties, I have a pretty good 20/20 hindsight idea or two to share. When I was in my 20's and 30's, I would say that sex was certainly a highlight but I was immature and had zero language to nurture and expand into it.
Because of poor communication, a Catholic upbringing and being touched improperly as a child, my sexuality was compromised pretty tightly. A divorce at 50 sent me on a search for love again and the second time around I see that there is a natural delivery channel for love.
Sex, Romance, Orgasm and Affection are all perfectly designed channels of an efficient Love Delivery system. When you are looking for a long term partner, emphasis on long term, you have to see these four channels as equally powerful in eliminating loneliness from your life.
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Don't be fooled, lonely single people become lonely married people. It is all about connection. When these four channels are open and flowing between you and your partner, you will feel loved, cared for and content.
Notice that nowhere in the above description is "hot, frequent, curl your toes, wild, screaming sex." There is no question that sexuality as it is portrayed on TV is easy, accessible, without consequences and most often filmed beautifully. Each scene crafted carefully by wizards of marketing to hook you on the feel good reaction to the imaginary world before you in living color.
The fact is that hot sex is over rated when it comes to feeling loved and cared for. At 58 after a challenging bout with rectal cancer and below the waist radiation making vaginal penetration impossible and my husbands variable midlife libido we always connect on many levels in order to make sure we each feel loved.
Warm and physical affection with one another, romantic dates and my faithful vibrator (I have the world's best) are more than enough to make up for what is "missing."
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When there is such a misfit in sexual or any other life area, and you are miserable trying to manifest change, you need to talk to someone. You must find an objective person outside your normal group, a pastor, coach or teacher who can ask you the questions you need to trigger you into Option-Land.
When you are over the top with frustrations, your mind shrinks and options disappear. Bad problem solving news right there every time. Your brain is designed to solve problems and gathering options is its normal state. You are a creative being by nature and life will not feel good if you have no options.
Yes, I know you love him. I believe you. But somehow there is a block and it is showing up in your sexual differences. I can pretty much guarantee you that there is more to it than your sex life. The good news is that you have the answer deep within. It will show up when someone asks you the right questions.
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Here's one for you right now. What was it in him that first drew your attention? How valuable is that aspect to you on a scale of 1 to 10? Why? Ask that same one word question, Why? 4 more times. Why? Write out the answers as they come from deeper and deeper inside you. They will, if you wait for them.
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